Have you ever had one of those intense and terrifying dreams, where you feel yourself falling, and you wake up just before you hit the ground? That is the sensation I feel everytime I allow myself to imagine our future with Ben. As much as I try to stay in the moment, I occasionally will catch myself thinking about what it will be like if he never gets any better. It is important to note here, that I am a social worker, and before I finished college, I provided direct care services to physically and mentally disabled individuals. I know what it's like to change the diaper of a sixteen year-old girl with CP. I know what it's like to use a gait belt to get someone in and out of a wheelchair. I know how it feels to spend 12 hours a day alone with someone whose only methods of communication are crying or hitting. I sometimes imagine how I'll feel if I'm forced to drive the big ugly van with a wheelchair lift, instead of the sexy, sporty 2-door that I've always wanted.
Today was one of those days where these thoughts floated in and out of my mind. It gets so overwhelming that I literally feel I'm going to fall into a sadness so deep that I may not find my way out. A feeling of panic overcomes me, and I have to quickly think about something else. I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom, let alone a stay at home mom of a severely disabled kid. Yet, here I am. I love my kids more than life itself, yet the pain is still very real and always just below the surface.
Thankfully, I have meditation... and Matt and Sarah... and Ben himself... to bring me back to into the moment. Just breath. Just one moment at a time. Just keep going.