Friday, June 5, 2009

Falling, falling, falling...

Have you ever had one of those intense and terrifying dreams, where you feel yourself falling, and you wake up just before you hit the ground? That is the sensation I feel everytime I allow myself to imagine our future with Ben. As much as I try to stay in the moment, I occasionally will catch myself thinking about what it will be like if he never gets any better. It is important to note here, that I am a social worker, and before I finished college, I provided direct care services to physically and mentally disabled individuals. I know what it's like to change the diaper of a sixteen year-old girl with CP. I know what it's like to use a gait belt to get someone in and out of a wheelchair. I know how it feels to spend 12 hours a day alone with someone whose only methods of communication are crying or hitting. I sometimes imagine how I'll feel if I'm forced to drive the big ugly van with a wheelchair lift, instead of the sexy, sporty 2-door that I've always wanted.

Today was one of those days where these thoughts floated in and out of my mind. It gets so overwhelming that I literally feel I'm going to fall into a sadness so deep that I may not find my way out. A feeling of panic overcomes me, and I have to quickly think about something else. I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom, let alone a stay at home mom of a severely disabled kid. Yet, here I am. I love my kids more than life itself, yet the pain is still very real and always just below the surface.

Thankfully, I have meditation... and Matt and Sarah... and Ben himself... to bring me back to into the moment. Just breath. Just one moment at a time. Just keep going.


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  2. Oh, Kim, I so wish we weren't so many miles apart ... I wish I could just pop in on you on any given day ... but we're thinking about you guys all the time and I'm so glad you've started this blog ... I'm looking forward to checkin in very often and keeping up with you and family ... Just know we love you guys! I know you can handle this, you're a great mommy and have very special skills, I can't think of any other person in this world that Ben would be more blessed to have than you and Matt and Sarah!