Friday, May 29, 2009

Still no answers....

I received a call this week from Ben's neurologist, explaining that two more lab tests have shown nothing. We're still awaiting the results from one additional genetic test.

When this all began, I felt such a sense of urgency about finding an answer - a diagnosis. When his first MRI was cancelled due to bronchitis, I was crushed, because I felt I needed to know what was wrong with my son. I've never been a patient person, and this drawn-out waiting felt so unfair to me. Yet, somewhere in those weeks of waiting, I slowly began to understand that my attention is more useful when focused on what is "right" with Ben, as opposed to whatever is "wrong". My meditation practices have helped me to stay mindful of the present moment, and not get all caught up in the "what if's" that can sometimes haunt me.

It has been seven months now since Ben was first examined by the neurologist. We know nothing more now than we did then in terms of Ben's underlying issues, and I've grown comfortable with the waiting. We all go through life creating our own agendas and plans, though none of us really knows what the future holds. With that thought in mind, I try to enjoy each cuddle and giggle from Ben, and try to be patient with each cough, cry, and medical procedure. I believe answers will come. I can wait.

A wise woman (my dear mom) recently told me, "Don't wish your life away. Enjoy what you've got right now". Good advice, Mom. I'm going to try to do just that.

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