It is Sunday evening, and I spent most of this weekend away for a girls' escape to Kansas City. It was beautiful. The weather was gorgeous. I tried to soak up every luxurious moment of my "Kim-time". We started out with a delicious lunch at a trendy sidewalk cafe, and then skipped off from shop to shop along the Plaza. I loved the energy from all the other busy shoppers, and I felt so blessed to just find myself standing in the warm sunshine and feeling so relaxed and free. I sipped cocktails, dressed in clothes that had no chance of being soaked by spit-up, and danced until the wee hours of the morning. I felt very much myself.
As much as I needed and enjoyed this break, I've come to realize that sometimes, these little escapes from my daily grind actually make it harder to cope with the stark reality of Ben's issues and the work required to care for him. It seems like an odd result.... but it is the result nonetheless. Coming back home tonight was sort of a shock to my system that felt like stepping out of a warm comfortable room into a cold winter night. I don't know... maybe sometimes I think that if I'm gone for awhile, maybe Ben will seem better when I get back... maybe I'll see noticeable improvements... maybe I'll be happily surprised.
Instead of feeling happily surprised, tonight I'm feeling low and unsteady... and unsure that I have enough reserves to face the next few hectic weeks of therapies and doctors appointments and the ever-present waves of vomiting. Sometimes peace and strength feel elusive to me. My sense of spiritual connectedness can sometimes just evaporate and disappear like water into the surrounding air. At times like these, all I can do is just let myself have a good long cry and know that I'm doing my best, even though it feels like it may never be enough.