It's been a hard week for me. I tried to take Sarah and Ben to the park this week, and I realized that I probably won't be able to do that alone again - at least not for a long time. Sarah is strong and independent and wants to test her own strength by trying new things on the playground. Ben is also independent, but still doesn't even have the strength to crawl. He didn't want to be held. He didn't want to be in the stroller. He wanted to be where all the other kids were... but how? There were many other kids younger than Ben who were running and playing with their siblings. There I was, breaking my back trying to help his wobbly little self stand and watch everyone else...while trying to keep Sarah safe and still let her enjoy herself. I was never able to satisfy either of the kids, and so we had to leave - Sarah and Ben both crying - me feeling overwhelmed.
The whole experience made me feel very sad, and it's been very hard to pull myself together. I find that my acceptance of Ben's issues comes and goes like the tide. Just when I think I've got it... it washes away and I'm left feeling defeated and flattened. As time passes, and Ben falls further and further behind, it is becoming harder and harder to bridge the gap between his needs and Sarah's needs. My needs are often left out of the mix completely.
I know that I have to push on and continue to try to focus on the positive...the successes...stay in the moment. Sometimes, though, the moments are just harder than I wish they were.