A change of plans...

OK. No water therapy today. Ben has decided to have a cold instead. Woke up with lots of gooey goo in his nose and a little gagging cough. Should be a fun day!!

Ben Ben Ben

Not too much really happening lately. Ben's just plugging along on every front. Knock on wood, he's been quite healthy and happy.

He is getting closer and closer to crawling... but he LOVES to walk now (obviously with me holding his hands). He'll do it all day long if he can wrangle someone into helping him. He's improving at his steps and balance, so that's also positive.

Increasingly, he is getting very frustrated when he can't communicate his wants and needs. When this happens, he just screams. I mean, he just SCREAMS. It can be frustrating, heartbreaking, or terrifying, depending on the moment. I'm really hoping that the speech therapy will provide us some resources to improve this.

So, anyway, we're off to pool-based therapy today. Splish splash.

Another bump in the road

Just a few short hours after my last happy post, Ben unleashed with gushy pukies and poopies all afternoon. I think it's just a common kind of illness, and nothing related to Ben's particular medical issues. I hope that's the case... and I hope it passes quickly. Mommy needs her rest.

Growing, growing, growing.

By following all the doctors' recommendations about Ben's allergies and his swallowing problems, Ben has been eating like an Olympian for the past month. He has gained just about two pounds in two months, and is getting stronger with every pound! Learning how to cook foods that are allergen-free and which also puree easily has not been too bad, and the benefits are well worth the work. It is time-consuming, of course... but I'm learning how to fit everything in my daily routine.

With the vomiting completely stopped, Ben has been SO much happier and his eczema has been very well-controlled as a bonus. What a relief!

Now, we will just continue to plug along with the therapy and get this boy crawling. He wants to be independent so badly... and my back wants him to be independent, too.

Just another day

Today was just a typical day around here. Sarah had school and dance class. Ben had speech therapy. Nothing new. Nothing scary. Good day, I guess.

playground meltdown

It's been a hard week for me. I tried to take Sarah and Ben to the park this week, and I realized that I probably won't be able to do that alone again - at least not for a long time. Sarah is strong and independent and wants to test her own strength by trying new things on the playground. Ben is also independent, but still doesn't even have the strength to crawl. He didn't want to be held. He didn't want to be in the stroller. He wanted to be where all the other kids were... but how? There were many other kids younger than Ben who were running and playing with their siblings. There I was, breaking my back trying to help his wobbly little self stand and watch everyone else...while trying to keep Sarah safe and still let her enjoy herself. I was never able to satisfy either of the kids, and so we had to leave - Sarah and Ben both crying - me feeling overwhelmed.

The whole experience made me feel very sad, and it's been very hard to pull myself together. I find that my acceptance of Ben's issues comes and goes like the tide. Just when I think I've got it... it washes away and I'm left feeling defeated and flattened. As time passes, and Ben falls further and further behind, it is becoming harder and harder to bridge the gap between his needs and Sarah's needs. My needs are often left out of the mix completely.

I know that I have to push on and continue to try to focus on the positive...the successes...stay in the moment. Sometimes, though, the moments are just harder than I wish they were.